The Davey Discomfort

As with so many things, traditions and practices change as time goes by; facts and fables become distorted, attitudes harden or soften and science blows more and more value-systems to bits, giving us more to know but less to believe in. The Davey Discomfort (DD) is no exception.

It has to be said that there are very few written records relating to this topic and what little we do know came from ANTIBELL himself in a frenzied verbal assault on The Celtic Warrior and The Dark Albino the day after The Sandal was found, and that, as you know, was amid a hearty breakfast of sea-food and champagne in Nice. Getting the best out of a demented proselytiser is hard enough at the best of times, but when surrounded by oysters, clams and gorgeous French bottoms, well, you can imagine……

In deference to the more sensitive disciple among you, suffice to say that in earlier times the DD centred on practices similar to those experienced by William the Conqueror when he went to see DeViet for a cure for his strangulated hernias and constipation. As time went by our Jesuit mentors, from whom we are now, in the 21st century, completely (and it must be said thankfully) divorced, became more adventurously extreme to the point where more lives and souls were lost than were saved. By the time The Shrewd of Turin had become an established corps (circa 1880) the physical aspects of DD had all but died out, to be replaced by ritual chanting, sighs and gasps.

Only one physical act of initiation remained and that was to walk the length of La Promenade des Anglais in Nice (or twice its equivalent distance anywhere in Rome or London) conducting an alternative ritual. This alternative is as follows:

  • Acquire one clam, two oysters, three sea urchins (all to be alive and fresh)
  • Drink half a bottle of rosé wine in one of our TEMPLES
  • Insert seafood into the underwear at the front, plus 4 ice cubes
  • Do the walk without stopping
  • From start to finish mutter “I bloody hate Christmas and Easter” in a language of your choice
  • Drink another half bottle of rosé wine at a different TEMPLE on completion

Now then, you may be wondering how, with its roots embedded in religious practice, the DD came to include the dislike of Christmas and Easter. Well, again, this is a bit of a mystery but it seems to have arisen out of a deep philosophical conflict between time devoted to worship and time lost making money and enjoying life, which latter two themes are central to Antibellism and the underpinning creeds of CORPUS DAVEY. (Another intriguing belief system is “positive procrastination”, but more of this later.)

This antipathy obviously developed over the ages but, as luck would have it, is a view strongly held by ANTIBELL, The Celtic Warlord (CW) and The Dark Albino (DA) and is now a condition of entry into the movement. WE3 and many others have suffered unbearably at the hands of grasping, ad-fuelled children, days of indigestion and headaches, wretch-inducing tacky music in shops played from about August, insanely irritable partners and uneatable special family meals during which people make nauseating toasts and the elderly cry. Virtually everyone makes toxic smells.

Instead, we spread the joy. We celebrate SANDALMASS (being the day on which ANTIBELL found The Sandal), BOXER DAY (being the day afterwards when his pants were found in the bath) and FEASTER DAY (being any day in Spring when French bottoms are in lightweight material again). We do a lot of other celebrating and worshiping too, sitting out in the fresh air, under a clear blue sky with a glass or two throughout the rest of the year, dreaming of beavers. We also have SPENT during which we rejoice for 40 days and 41 nights by giving up nothing at all. There’s also MARDI FOIS GRAS and several other divinely inspired carnivals (Rove Tuesday, Plenticost and Cramadan for instance).

You may also be musing on why the DD should take place in Nice. We don’t know for sure yet but it’s probably linked to Anita Belvoir and/or her sister who used to visit the market selling hand-made dentures fashioned from beaver bone. (They also marketed a special, rustic potpourri of interest later to Napoleon, but more of that later.)

Compliance with all or some of the DD is negotiable depending on the size of your financial contribution, but the wine drinking is set in stone.