American beaver

As zoologists will know, the English beaver became extinct in the late 1500’s and early 1600’s at the time when the English were colonising the USA, with organisations like The Virginia and Plymouth Companies taking the lead. In America by the mid-1600’s tobacco growing and export had taken off big-time and companies were already looking for value-added ideas, seeking to introduce that magical little something to products that’d already hooked the punters. ("Revenue, boy, revenue. We've got the bastards now so let's keep 'em."

An enterprising employee of one of CORPUS DAVEYs front companies found the answer. Beaver oil was already popular among parfumiers, the oil from glands on the beaver’s stomach being used as a base to which to add lavender etc. Little of the poor animal escaped and, as had been proved back home with its extinction, it was useful in many ways.

What had hitherto been overlooked was the scrotum of the male – tough yet pliable, small yet capacious it was ideal as a tobacco pouch, particularly since it was obviously water-proof and would keep the tobacco moist. Essence of beaver would be naturally absorbed by the tobacco and, so the thinking went, when a chap had a good puff of American baccy, the pheromones released into the atmosphere would do wonders to warm the chilliest of English female parts. Clearly, the odd pinch of snuff imbued with essence of beaver would be attractive to many persuasions. The distinction between male and female essences was blurred, a notion upon which the great perfume houses of today have seized.

Various companies within the CORPUS DAVEY compass, both overt and covert, began to introduce subtle beaver fragrances into their trusses as well, either by soaking them in it or by making them from other beaver parts. As certain religious sects were driven underground fundamentalism grew, accompanied by extreme practices with which, thanks to the book “The Da Vinci Code” by Dan Brown, we are now familiar. In certain quarters the truss became a form of multi-purpose cilice, designed both for pain and pleasure. It was not a new concept because, as you may remember, the founder Roger DeViet developed it back in the 11th century, but now they had a new material – soft, cheap and water-resistant but above all, new to the market.

Now, the line between pain and pleasure is indistinct (Marquis de Sade “sex without pain is like food without taste”) and one of CORPUS DAVEY’s mottos is “never waste an opportunity”. So, whereas the traditional Catholic cilice is clearly designed for the former function, our CD company thought it wise to market their version of special beaver pelt trusses to accommodate all tastes. Several models have been discovered, all based on the original design of Roger DeViet and comprising a slim metal framework, animal skin linings and a front and rear pouch, depending on its’ function. By the simple expedient of adding, say, mink pelt to the front pouch you have a deluxe leisure version; whereas by incorporating devices like small protruding nails to the frame and mustard powder or similar irritants you end up with a very unpleasant garment indeed, depending on your personal preferences.

No actual examples exist but it’s believed there was scope in some models, based on evidence that DeViet sought revenge for late payment of invoices by adding lice or leeches, for small live animals like hamsters or guinea pigs to be integrated for the more discerning executive. Whether this concept was for pain or pleasure will remain a mystery until our scholars conduct some experiments, although we do have one account of an Italian army priest serving in the northern Sahara in the 1930’s who was thought to have suffered the introduction of baby scorpions. The attendant swelling, even under a designer cassock, must’ve been impressive and given the Bedouin considerable pause for thought.

One of the first CD companies involved in the combined tobacco and beaver pouch innovation was English American Tobacco Ltd (EAT Ltd). With the rapid development of beaver products, a subsidiary was set up called English American Tobacco Beaver Ltd (EAT Beaver Ltd). For reasons that are not entirely clear, given the company’s rampant success and a society gagging for new experiences, it didn’t last long but the title became a practice and passed into legend.