Celtic Warlord & The Dark Albino

You need to know a little of what you’re up against if you cross the WE3. Apart from ANTIBELL’s mystical qualities and his wandering eye, the only thing of concern to you is his absolutely enormous capacity for alcohol. Having been with him in many of our Nicoise TEMPLES I can assure you his talent for remaining upright is in itself nothing short of legendary. There must be some higher power at work when he’s at worship, especially when he’s consuming gargantuan quantities of liquidised Mexican toxic waste in the salsa bars. In his palace the cupboards simply groan under the weight of a myriad of alcoholic concoctions, none of which seem to be known to anyone but him. I seriously doubt if there's any national brew of 100% proof filth that's missing from his collection.

By comparison, even The Celtic Warlord (CW) is a middleweight contender and The Dark Albino (DA) is a mere bantamweight, despite some serious adventures in exotic places like Borneo. Anyway, some background on both.

CW is, as you know, Welsh. Nonetheless, he has a massively powerful intellect and is a cuddly computer genius. I’ve no idea what he actually does, but whatever it is has made him wealthy. He’s one of those techie people who can talk fluidly and animatedly for half an hour about computer stuff and yet leave you without the first clue of what he’s said, although you’ll think you have. He is so good at thinking in other dimensions and stuff like that that he knows what you’re thinking ten minutes before you do. He has an unerring and unnerving ability to answer questions you haven’t even thought up yet. In tune with one of our philosophies, he is so laid back, clever and wise that he can Positively Procrastinate and still do things 2 days before they get done.

Treat CW with extreme caution otherwise you’ll get thought to death.

DA is the antithesis of himself and English (with, he regretfully suspects, Welsh leanings) and ANTIBELL’s father sponsored his entry into the murky world of the intelligence community. However, DA is the living embodiment of several contradictions in terms; not intelligent but rather spooky, fairly streetwise but with absolutely no common-sense, not an albino but pale and at the same time dark, not a gentleman but a gentle man. Apart from the ability to kill with a look, his only other attribute is his talent to breathe through his ears - a skill not yet employed by the ANTIBELL Movement but respected nonetheless as having come from the English school of spies. (With a grounding in The Empire, Africa, the Middle East and Ireland we’re still the best, not least because we have toffs running things and peasants doing the dirty work.) On that basis, nothing else can be said because it’s believed he’s travelling the world undercover teaching foreigners to do things properly.

Both CW and DA are straddlers in that their spiritual and/or physical homes are in Britain and France. (The ability to straddle is important in France not least because only a few of their toilets have seats. DA thought at one time this might've been a business opportunity but, on being told that French women like to straddle, he now concentrates on building up the muscles in his quads and lower mandibles.)