Antibell’s Deposit Box

On 11 September 2001, or as our friends call it 9/11, ANTIBELL was pacing his palace trying to get the horrific images of the unfolding scenes in New York out of his conscious. Like most of us that obscene day, he found it increasingly difficult to focus on anything. This was actually not an uncommon state of mind for him, especially coming after a hectic night out with his ladies, so he ambled around looking for something not too taxing to do.

After a while he settled on refolding his socks and went into his dressing room, which is the size of a small Wal-mart, and there his good eye fell on a large leather trunk recently received from England. It had belonged to his paternal grandfather and until now hadn’t been of great interest but something drew him towards it. Heart racing, face reddened and with clammy hand he opened it. Inside, wrapped in sheets from The Los Angeles Times and The Gay Baseball Weekly he found the safety deposit box key, the underpants and nightshirt, the chastity belt, rodent and truffle oil and a right foot leather sandal.

We now know it was the Sandal from DeViet’s grave but the staggering significance was lost on him at the time. He flushed the rat down the toilet, a move he would come to regret not least because French plumbing can be a bit basic, and turned his attention to two large leather-bound tomes further encased in tissue paper. One was “The History of Corpus Davey – abridged version”, dated Jan 1913 and written by a Phillip Tallbine, his grandfather. The other, slimmer volume was entitled “Corpus Davey Reliquary – Contents and History” with the same date and author.

He settled down on the sofa using one of his lady Russian factotums as a footstool and opened a magnum of champagne and began to read. He will acknowledge, if pushed, that he got through distinctly more champagne than reading and soon fell into a light but strangely disturbed coma, waking some three hours later with nightmarish images floating through his head, but feeling at the same time oddly self-important. On the night soon afterwards when he found the other Sandal the subliminal messages, from when he’d read the volumes of CD material that’d been swilling around in his febrile brain and which at the time meant little, began to reassemble. After several cups of coffee and with his wits more or less regained he matched The Sandal he’d found in the gutter with the one in the trunk and got smashed again.

The awesome and awful realisation hit him. He was the chosen one after all. He was The Finder. He was clearly not Auntie Bella so he must be ANTIBELL. It took him about a month to be restored to sufficient sobriety to enable travel to Monaco and get access to the family deposit box (one of about 15). Therein further horrors awaited.

In the box were:

  • A bottle of truffle oil (his addiction to the stuff was all making sense now).
  • A full CD history in three other volumes with some modern language translations.
  • A separate pamphlet detailing The DeViety Code, Ten Commendments, The Davey Discomfort and The Pillars of Procrastination.
  • A coded map and clues to the location of The Corpus Davey Reliquary.
  • A volume of names of CD bishops and members dating back not only to 1570 when it was founded but beyond that to the mid-1100’s.
  • A charcoal drawing of a bishop preserved in a hard, clear plastic wallet.

Well, it was the picture that tipped him over the edge; not the content so much as the image of the bishop. It could have been a sketch of ANTIBELL himself – identical in every detail, down to the large rodent-shaped mole on the left buttock and the wandering eye. It’s taken the CW and DA many, many months to assist with his recovery. He has rare moments of lucidity during which he constantly recants previously held beliefs about virtually everything, and swears that in absolutely everything else - except ladies and the odd glass of wine - he will henceforth be a model citizen and...............

..........whenever he is able he will lead THE ANTIBELL CONSPIRACY and its followers towards calmer, cleaner waters and the world in general to a happier place.