Peshawar pig-roast.

Sorry, but we're on a bit of a roll today. Talking of rolls, I'm thinking of a career change. Whilst I fully support human diversity tolerance I'm getting a little sick and tired of being told where I'm going wrong. "We" are constantly being urged by government and civil liberty groups to work with our communities to encourage integration and cultural acceptance. "We" are continuously being threatened by rafts of new legislation, codes of practice, guidelines and advice on how to make people with diametrically opposed views welcome. We hear little about how "they" are working flat out to do their bit. Britain, as most people with a modicum of education already know, is a hybrid state founded by Romans, Vikings, Celts, Angles, Saxons, Jutes, French, Hugenots and goodness knows who else. "We" have long been tolerant of and grateful for migration but I have to say Islamic fundamentalists and those on the verge of becoming so are pushing it a bit.

So, with this in mind, I may be on the move and about to test the other side of the coin. I've found a fairly cheap hovel in Peshawar on short-term let. It has running water - through the middle of the lounge - and occasionally has electricity, to the main grid of which I can strap naughty disciples of the Order. My day job will be to run a pig-roast in the main market, clad in the truest of British clothing, a knotted hankie on my head, string vest and peekaboo thong. (What's more, I'm bloody well going to smoke and not risk being shot for it.) If anyone dares to challenge me and asks me to remove my headgear I'll cry foul. If anyone says that pork is outlawed on religious grounds I'll say that my non-religion is founded on bits of pig and demand my rights to equality.

Of course, this is all a bit of fun. (Isn't it?) However, whilst we in Britain are currently under threat from Islamic fundamentalism it's worth bearing in mind that Muslims are slaughtering far more of their own than of us because of religious tensions within their own communities, viz the Shia versus Sunni in Iraq. Arguments thrust at us that division is caused by us in the west, poverty, discrimination and inequality are pure tosh. It's all, as an ex-fundamentalist argued in The Daily Mail this week, down to their own interpretations of their own beliefs. Question - how do they justify terror in the name of their religion? Answer - it depends entirely on whether one is a believer or an infidel. How do you know what type of believer you are or whether you are an infidel? Answer - belief. Not fact, logic or rational thinking, just an unswerving faith in your side. With religion and its caustic, corrosive, insidious effects - well, we've been there before but being a believer in nothing much other than our Pillars of Procrastination, selling bacon sandwiches in Peshawar may lift a few veils. You never know - I may even be tolerated and invited to sit on a government panel dealing with community tensions. Pigs might fly eh?